[S]he’s a rebel and [s]he’ll never be any good…

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April 12, 2010 by Nicole

As I sit here writing tonight, my dog Rufus is laying on the floor across the room from me looking all sad and forlorn.  I have felt the same way the last few days; probably because I know that there is still more than a year to go before I can leave for the grotto. And if you’re wondering about the title of my post, yes, that is a reference to the old song from way back when.

I actually made a serious effort to try to work on my relationship with God the other day.  I opened my mind aand heart as best I could and randomly opened the Bible, where I was met with Jeremiah 3:11-25.  It’s about Israel being a rebel, and God wanting them to come back.  When I came across the part where God says “only acknowledge your iniquity,/That you have transgressed against the LORD your God” I wondered how that verse was appropriate for me. 

Now a priest I heard once said that if you ever want to know what your shortcomings are, you can always ask God to tell you, and He will let you know what you need to work on. So, after pondering over this verse and knowing that I am a sinner, I asked God what rebellious act I had done, and could He please let me know so I could fix/atone for it?

Silence.  Hm.  If I am supposed to figure this out on my own, this is going to be tough.  As a rule follower who never tries to rock the boat or take risks, I don’t consider myself a rebel; I still show respect to my elders (at 34!) and to other people.  So the question on my mind is how I have rebelled from God.  Maybe  it’s that He always says not to worry, to offer up my burdens, and so on, but I can’t stop myself.  Depression makes anxiety that much harder to subdue.  I think that perhaps when you cannot trust God fully to take care of you, even in life’s worst moments, then perhaps you are rebelling.

So here’s what I have come up with.  There are two subheadings: “Faithless Israel” and “God invites repentance.”  I have become aware in the last year, after a very difficult time in my life due to economic stressors, that I have not fully put my trust in God; in my anger, I haven’t really acknowledged until very recently that I need God’s help to get through my current situation.  As money and  insurance benefits were stripped away and having been forced to find a way to make ends meet on less each month, I stubbornly refused to let go of my suffering and let God help. 

It took a long time to finally return to God, but I did.  I had to repent and ask for help. While the situation of my life has not appreciably changed, I have been better able to bear it, with God’s grace.  I took God up on his invitatioon to repent, and so far, it seems to have worked out pretty well for me.


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