A reminder of my weakness

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April 15, 2010 by Nicole

Well, it’s getting to be the end of the semester and spare time is getting to be a rare and precious commodity. 

Yesterday afternoon, I was reminded of my struggles with inner strength and emotions.  Without going into specific details, it will suffice to say that someone said something particularly unkind to me as a result of said person’s unhappiness with my evaluation of something this person did.  I do not like to be the bearer of bad news (or in this case, bad grades), but the words that were said were not only rude, childish, and hurtful, they were intended to be a threat.  Lest you worry, it is extraordinarily unlikely that anything will come of it.

While I handled this incident fairly well, the emotional tension and “afterburn” I carried around with me for the reminder of the day was particularly hard to cope with.  Unlike other times, I managed to stave off the intense anxiety and self-doubt that  accompanies such situations.  I think this time around, I did manage to handle someone’s anger toward me fairly well.  This did not, however, stop me from obsessing about it until I finally fell asleep later that night.

What I have been pondering is why I cannot brush it off and just let it go. Why, I wonder, am I so dependant on other people to tell me who I am? Why do I constantly choose to allow other people to control how I feel? Why do I let other people’s emotions determine my value? What’s more, why do I allow other people to sabotage my ability to trust that my decisions and choices are right and call into question everything I believe about myself and my abilities?

I was happy that in this particular instance, I managed to deal with it somewhat better than I normally would; knowing that I have solid backing from my superiors in this instance makes the process easier.  But still, I am angry that it takes me momentious effort to keep fighting off panic and anxiety.

Dear God, I know that when you made me you gave me a spine.  Please give me a backbone too.  Amen.

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