April 19, 2010 by Nicole
It’s been a few days since my last entry, but there is much to report. I am finding for instance, that you really have to work hard to heal; it requires dilligent prayer and learning new ways of thnking about things that have seemed normal for such a long time.
When you set out to change your way of thinking, it’s not easy. I have had 34 years to learn one way of living, which hasn’t always been healthy, and trying to take better care of myself has been challenging. I came across a quote in a magazine the other day that God puts things in front of you that you have to learn to deal with better. For me, it has been asking for help to calm down the anxiety and panic that sets in when I picture the worst possible outcome of a situation. For the last few days, I have had to tell myself over and over again to trust myself, and that I have done what is right. I have been powering through the stomach flutters and the nervous energy, reminding myself over and over that my goal is to do what is right, and that doing what is right does not always mean that you’ll have an easy go of it. I swear that learning to be assertive and stand up for what I believe in is one of the hardest things I have to do. Standing here at this particular point, I wonder if I will ever get to the point where I will make it past this step. While reminding myself that this particular situation is an opportunity to grow sounds very nice, it’s a struggle to buy into it.
I wonder also if the beginnings of this newfound strength is part of my pilgrimage. For the first time in my life, I can feel myself really leaning on God for support, and feeling like He is right there in the background, not letting me turn around to go back, but supporting me and helping me forward. It’s weird to feel like God has literally “got your back.” I know the painful stuff has to happen in order to heal, but knowing that God is there makes it more managable.