July 13, 2010 by Nicole
I apologize for my absence of the last month; things in my life have just not been blog-worthy, until today.
Randy and I are dealing yet again with the crushing news that he’s been passed over for full time work, yet again. It’s hard to describe what news like this does after nearly a year an a half of scraping to get by. It occured to me after Randy broke the news that both positions had been filled without so much as even the courtesy of an interview that I don’t know how to respond. I am angry at God. I am frustrated by yet again wondering when, if ever, we’ll finally have a modicum of stability. I am wondering what my threshold is, exactly, before all of this proves to be too much. I am tired of the stress this contributes to my marriage. Most of all, I wonder if I have arrived at despair, or if there is yet any distance left between me and the pit.
On a teary drive home, I had a conversation with God, and it’s one that really wasn’t particularly easy to have. I know that I am not owed any answers as to why this is the current state of affiars, but knowing that doesn’t mitigate the pain or doubt or the feelings of wondering whether God is actually up there or I am just talking to the air. I looked up at the sky and asked, “If you have the power to deliver us, why won’t you? How much longer do I have to wait? Is there any point in even praying about it anymore? Are you there??”
I know how the psalmists must have felt. It’s really agonizing.