Are you there, God? It’s me, Nicole

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September 19, 2011 by Nicole

Well, here I am again; it’s the Monday morning after my husband’s interview with another church, sitting around waiting to hear the end result of what’s going to happen.  This particular position seems like it has the best potential of any so far, as the search committee, insofar as I know, has no problems with me being Catholic.

I find myself in the same place as usual, begging God to please let this be the one that works out, but deep down in my heart, bracing for yet another disappointment.  Honestly, I can’t even fathom the notion of him even getting the job after so many heartbreaks.  I keep wondering, are they going to choose Randy, or all things being equal, do they want one of the other candidates who has the Baptist pastor’s wife and 2.5 cute, smiling kids?   But what makes me even more certain is that when you consider that this particular group of Christians seems to be the most accepting and “Christian” of the groups with whom we’ve spoken, or that the church is in a beautiful little town in Pennsylvania, or that the church itself is gorgeous and the pictures of the parsonage reveal that it’s a beautiful, old house with a wrap-around porch, well, my first instinct is that this job will not be the one that comes through, if for no other reason than it seems perfect.  Things that wonderful generally don’t happen to people like me–they happen to other people.  It’s very difficult to think about, because sometimes I don’t know how people can deal with so much disappointment in life.

I also find myself apologizing to God in prayer for my pessimism, largely because  I deeply feel like I don’t have the kind of faith that impresses Him.  I feel like one of the apostles to whom Jesus always asks, “Why do you have so little faith?”   Seriously, how can you believe in “ask and you will receive” when the answer is always “No?”  Jesus said to pray with the type of faith where you believe that God has already answered you.  Faith like that for me is not only something I am lacking, but I am not sure I have the ability to find within myself.

On one hand, my husband says that my reaction is understandable because that is how I am; being a pessimist is part of how I was made and that there have been enough disappointments in this whole job thing to warrant feeling like I do.  I am starting to feel like it’s really never going to get any better than what it is right now, and while I am grateful for the job I have and the paycheck it brings, I really want to have the opportunity to start over with a new life–one in which the stress of barely making ends meet every month is something on which I look back as a memory rather than experience on a daily basis.  Still, I am trying my very best to bear this trial with grace and love.  What else can I do?

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