October 23, 2011 by Nicole
No, I haven’t forgotten about blogging; it’s just been one of those months where things get so impossibly busy that you can seem to turn around without finding more work to do–student papers to grade, soap to make for craft shows, more papers to grade, more soap to make, songs to rehearse for my husband’s Sunday service out in Pennsylvania this coming weekend, WOW!
Now that things have finally settled down, I can get back to work here. 🙂 Anyhow, yes, that’s right; another potential pastor’s job is out there in Pennsylvania at a little church who is about to make its decision as to who is going to get this job–my husband, or the other pastor who just preached today. To be honest, there is a big part of me that is scared out of my mind to have to go out there and meet all the people at this church, who so far sound like really wonderful and nice people. I really really really am not looking forward to going, but it’s not for reasons pertaining to me being Catholic and them being Baptist; in fact, that’s a nonissue this time around. Hallelujah! I am not looking forward to going because I don’t relish the thought of experiencing another setback.
Now, I know what you’re thinking (because my husband thinks it too!). The answer could be yes. Things could go well. He could get offered the job. If you’ve been following my blog, then you also know that when God made me, he gave me lots of talents–music, literature, creativity, the ability to relate to and listen to people when they need someone to hear them–but the ability to remain optimistic and hopeful is not among the particular talents I have. I tend to be more of a pessimist, and if you don’t mind me saying so, I think that at least as far as life has gone for my husband and I lately, I have a valid reason for being that way.
As I said earlier, the reason I don’t want to go has nothing to do with meeting any of the people involved in this process; it has more to do with attempting to keep myself emotionally distanced from this situation so as not to “count my chickens before they hatch,” if you’ll pardon the cliche. It’s not easy to keep your feelings in check when these nice people have even gone so far as to take the trouble to drive you out to their state, put you up in a hotel, show you their town, and let you meet the people in their church. It’s one thing to have people flat out refuse to hire my husband because of their prejudices against me; that hurts badly enough in its own right, yet I never met any of these people other than a chat on the phone with a really wonderful man who stuck his neck out for my husband and me. It’s another thing to have people go so far as to come to get to know us, visit Randy’s church to hear him preach, and then refuse to hire my husband because of their prejudices against me. That I could also handle because ultimately, if I have to leave home, the location of that particular church was not my first choice of a place I would want to live for the next ten years of my life. I can already feel my stomach churning with anxiety to the point where the suspense is threatening to reduce me to tears.
But, in a case like this, where the people are–as far as I know–ones who respond faithfully to God’s commandment to love all their fellow Christians, who have been very nice to my husband throughout the whole process, and who live in a beautiful small town that looks like a place I would really enjoy living in, well, the thought of potentially having to recover from the agony of getting this close again and not having this be God’s plan, well, it’s heart-wrenching to think about being denied the finish one more time. At the very least, if this experience doesn’t work out, I will know that these people chose the pastor who best meets the particular needs of their church, and didn’t base their decision on prejudice, fear, or misinformation. Thus, I don’t want to go because I am afraid to allow myself to hope that in less than three weeks, our lives would improve dramatically. I don’t want to go because knowing myself, I will love meeting all of these people and get not only emotionally invested again, but also excited about my husband finally being afforded the time and opportunity to do what God created him for: to pastor His people.