Saturday, May 14 2011
How is your semester going up there in heaven? I’m happy mine is finally all over. You gave me some really awesome and cool students to work with again this semester, and I am really going to miss some of them.
Anyhow, I am managing better since my last letter about Randy’s job. I have to say, though, it’s still hard to think about it or talk about it. When I think about P.B. and J.T., I want to cry because they sounded like they would be so wonderful to get to know. I can say that yes, I am handling it better, but I still feel a flutter of intense sadness—well, that’s not the best way to describe it, I suppose it’s more like that feeling you get when you feel nervous and your stomach starts to flip around–when I think of someone else getting to pastor that church. I really do hope that if they aren’t going to hire Randy, at least they find someone who is as wonderful a person and preacher as my husband. But still, I am sad about it.
I also wanted to tell you about that student I had to deal with yesterday. You saw how that went, and I have to say delivering that news to him/her was rough, and s/he didn’t take it very well–but then again, when you have to tell someone they are going to fail your class, that’s never a good thing. I wanted to ask you, though, do you think I handled it the right way?
I had to be stern (I am not usually stern, so that was hard enough) and put my foot down because s/he was asking for yet another extension on his/her work on the last day of the semester, and I’d already tried to be flexible and accommodate him/her one and a half weeks ago; s/he just kept giving me excuses about his/her job and his/her other exams and showed up an hour late for the special meeting time we’d set up, and I drove all the way there to meet this person. I felt really bad–like I was being mean–but, I tell you, I had had enough and I was really starting to feel like my willingness to accommodate him/her was being taken advantage of, especially after having gone out of my way to make things easier for said person, who showed up at my office with nothing to show for the extra time I gave him/her.
It was good that two other adjuncts who were there said they thought I definately did the right thing; the thing is that you know how these sorts of things are for me–I question my judgment, second guess myself, and feel very guilty for not being “nice.” But what I have figured out is that I think I am saying no for the right reasons. I didn’t do it to be mean, vindictive, or inflexible. I didn’t want him/her to fail the class. I felt like my s/he had been trying to push my boundaries all semester and that was the last straw.
You have to admit–normally, I would be sitting here brooding and worrying about it, but this time I think I handled it much better; I think that they way I handled it was okay because the consequences were logical and natural. I am not really thinking about what happened, and I’m not letting it control my feelings or my thoughts. Is this one of those things that you set in front of me because you know I need to learn to deal with it better? If it is, how’d I do?
August 12, 2011
Guess what. I think that you’re up there teasing me again. 🙂 When you saw what I wrote on my blog yesterday, did you decide to let me know I am on to something in the middle of my rosary? After my thinking on witnessing and Randy’s potential job, I thought it was pretty cheeky of you to put all those same thoughts into that new book I bought that had all those reflections on the rosary–particularly how all this hardship with Randy’s job is a lot like when your Son went up the mountain and transfigured right before his disciples’ eyes. You never cease to amaze me with the ways that you “tap me on the shoulder.”
Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I can tell you’re proud of me and how I am working on being a better friend to you in the weeks since I got back. For all of those times it seemed like you were particularly distant, and I know that there will be more of those times (That’s what Rick Warren said, and I assume he’s right because you two are pretty tight.), but right now it feels like you are about two feet away from me at all times, which I am really enjoying and appreciating.
One other thing–I want to thank you again for healing my dog (People are going to read this and laugh, by the way.). She was so sick last week that I was raelly afraid that you were going to call her home to wait for me in the yard of my new house up with you. I know that there are a lot more serious problems in the world with war, hunger, poverty, and disease, but I really am thankful that you answered my prayer. I guess I figured that your Son’s ministry involved a lot of healing of people while he was here, and I assume that since you and him are both You, you know what it’s like to love animals too. Thank you for your concern for me and my dog. She’s feeling 100% improved now.
Monday, September 19, 2011
I wanted to tell you that I am spent. Randy’s job situation is really staring to wear me down, and I don’t know how much more I can take of praying to You about it and You saying “no.” You know, I used to get mad, but I am too tired to be mad anymore. It’s not that I am going to give up asking, or even that I am, in fact, mad at You, because I am not. I am just really frustrated and worn out.
As always, I ask that your Will be done; you have a purpose for me and you never promised that this life would be easy. But could you throw me a bone here? I am starting to wonder if all there is to this life is the stress of squeaking by every month; last month, we didn’t even have enough money to pay the mortgage without having to borrow from family. The number of people judging me who don’t know anything about me is hard to come to terms with. Worse yet is that I am the reason Randy hasn’t gotten either of the last two church jobs he very nearly got. If it was not for me, we’d have up and moved to New York a few months ago and life would probably be a lot better.
Please, God, help.
November 1, 2011
The last couple days have been hard, but I decided to write you a letter because today was not a good day. We had to send Leeli to you because she was really not doing well. Sometimes, with as much as that dog frustrated and irritated me due to her mental issues, I have no idea why you chose to put her in my life. I guess that you saw something in me that made you know that she would be well taken care of, and you were right. It takes a very special person to care for a dog like that. I don’t know what happened to her before she got to us, but I did the best I could with her. I am glad, though, that you put her here for the last three years; at least she got some sanity and calm in her life after what she’s been through. There’s a little hole in my heart now that she’s gone. Her crate isn’t here in the den anymore and the house is so quiet all of a sudden–especially because she’s not wanting to go in and out of the house every ten minutes. She’s up there with you now, and I know that she’s doing a lot better than she was while she was here. Please ask Francis and Roche to keep an eye on her until the day that you call me home too; then I’ll take care of her.
P.S. I will apologize in advance if she gets underfoot and trips your Son; she has some issues with people’s personal space, but she means well. Oh, and if anyone gives her treats, be careful of your fingers. She’s a little chompy.