June 4, 2010 by Nicole
Today is a rather tense day in my spiritual life. Randy tells me that the powers that be over in his school district won’t know exactly what the status is on the teaching positions that will be opening up until the end of next week. For those of you who know about the teaching system, you know that in a very short span of time, a high school English or History teaching position can magically turn into a middle school home ec. class in no time at all. The jobs that he is qualified for may not be there depending on who moves where prior to the position finally getting internally posted; it is entirely possible that there will be another tough year ahead of us financially.
I know that this is a test of faith. But in the same moment, it’s intensely frustrating. I drove home from the market today, having a little heart to heart with God. I find myself asking when He will fix this problem; I apologize for my lack of faith, and I explain that I am tired of praying and praying for an end to this situation, the stress that occaisionally bears down on our marriage making life feel like it’s smothering us, and wondering why, if God can put a stop to it, why He doesn’t? What in the hell can there be left for me to learn??? Frankly, I am sick and tired of building character; I want to enjoy the experience of deliverance. The thing that I am most scared of, more than anything else, is having to pick up and leave to go find work elsewhere, which means leaving the home that we’ve lived in for ten years, leaving behind my church family, and starting all over.
It’s also not my place to expect an answer. God doesn’t owe me one. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord.
Dear God, I am begging you just this one time for a miracle. Please. But, and it irks me to say it, help me to remember ultimately that it is Your Will to be done, not mine. Amen.